The 501st List One-Shots
by I-Don't-Have-A-Name123
Summary: Here are the stories of how the rules came to be. Language and suggestive themes. High "T", guys. (Should probably be considered AU. Screw you, Disney!)
1. Rules 1-5

I'm amazed at how many people faved the actual list. 0.o Happy 4th of July!

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><p><strong>The 501st List One-Shots<strong>

**Rules 1-5**

**1) Commandos are no longer allowed to teach troopers how to play "the beautiful game." I'm sure we all remember what happened when a certain someone got too into it. I'm not going to mention any names.**

The clacking of armor could be heard all around the cargo bay. Most troopers not on duty watched the two squads of commandos viciously attack a ball about the size of a human head with sticks. None of them really knew what was going on, but it was pretty entertaining.

"Foul! You fouled me."

"Did not." The two men were standing about arm's length from each other. Their sergeants were holding them back, trying not to laugh.

"How do you know what's a foul and what isn't?" Tup whispered to Hardcase.

"No idea," he replied. "But I wanna find out." After the game ends, he walks up to the sergeant with blue chevrons on his chestplate.

"Will you teach me how to play...whatever that was?"

"Sure. And just call it 'the beautiful game.'" He leaned in and whispered, "We forgot what it's really called, anyway."

This is going to be fun, Hardcase thought to himself, grinning as the squads (foolishly) began laying out the rules, having no idea the hell they were about to inadvertently unleash.

Those eight were held responsible for the destruction of the hanger. Not just a bay. The ENTIRE hangar. No one knows how Hardcase accomplished it, but there was no denying it was him, and only him.

Saboteurs everywhere would have been proud.

**2) Commandos are also not allowed to bring uj cake onboard. I can't believe how many fights the stuff caused. On second thought, yes I can.**

"Whatcha got there, brother?"

Republic Commando 4419-"Niner"-looked up from his plate. A pilot he didn't recognize stood over him, eyes fixed on his cake. He moved it closer to himself.

"Uj cake."

"Where'd you get it?"

"My old sergeant sent it. Last one." Niner then turned his attention back to his precious snack, hoping the pilot would get the hint. He did. However...

"Hey, Niner! Why didn't you tell us you have uj?" He sighed. His squad brothers-Nic, Tagg, and Jester-crowded him, all eyes locked on his treasure.

"Fierfek...it's my last piece. Go away."

Nobody knows exactly what happened after that. One of them, probably Jester, either reached for it or had actually taken it off the plate. The second after, Niner launched himself over the table, tackling him, screaming like a madman. Everything went downhill soon after.

The event happened twice more, involving two more squads and three very frightened and totally confused padawans, before the rule was added.

**3) When the Wolfpack is here, do not, I repeat do NOT mention Wolffe's eye. The man's grumpy enough as it is and I don't feel like writing a report explaining why a couple of morons from Torrent are in sick bay.**

"What's up with his eye?"

"No idea. Ask him."

"No way!"

Wolffe's good eye twitched as the troopers from the 501st kept up their whispered argument, completely oblivious to the fact he heard them. The rest of the Wolfpack snickered. Two were placing bets on how soon their commander would snap.

"I'm not going to-"

"THAT'S IT!" None of the Pack was surprised when their commander leapt at the gossipers, snarling. The same could not be said of the victims.

They fear him to this day, as do any who saw the attack.

**4) No trying to mind influence the messdroid into giving seconds. Troopers, you are not Jedi. Generals, why would you try to influence a droid? They don't have minds!**

"You _will_ give me more meat," the trooper said, waving his hand the way he had seen his Jedi officer do. The droid just stared for a second before telling him to move along. Defeated, he did so, grumbling under his breath.

"Again, Reddy?" Another trooper asked as he plopped his tray down, body following. The others snickered when Reddy made a very rude hand gesture.

"Damn droid's being stingy. We're the ones getting shot at, not him! We need energy!"

"I agree. Can't do anything about it, though." The trooper then looked at something behind him, his face a picture of disbelief. "No way..."

"What?" Reddy turned, and immediately his jaw dropped. General Skywalker stood in line, waving his hand like Reddy was moments ago. He couldn't hear the words, but he could lip-read enough to know that the general was repeating Reddy's request, and was being denied like he had. He turned around, looking back at the other trooper.

"What the heck?" The other guy shrugged. When he turned around again, the troopers in line behind the general were all staring openly at him. When the general left the line, looking very disgruntled, the trooper behind him tried the same thing. And the one after him. And on and on and on.

Apparently, they took the phrase "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again " very seriously.

"I think you started a trend, brother..."

"I...think you're right..."

**5) This is for the men of Torrent Company. Commander Tano is not to be bothered on the third week of a galactic standard month. You will be held responsible for your own stupidity.**

**5b) And no, I will not tell you why. Just stay away, you hear me?! – A.T.**

Captain Rex watched Ahsoka stalk into view, face twisted into a grimace and a hand on her lower stomach. He raised an eyebrow as she came closer, choosing to let her speak. She glared at him a bit.

"Cramps. Don't worry about it." His eyebrow stayed raised.

"Riiiight." _Cramps? _They each carried out their duties as usual, Rex sending her odd looks once in a while. About halfway through the day, the alarms sounded through the temporary base they'd acquired, and everyone sprang into action.

"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FRICKING KIDDING ME!" Rex heard the shriek over the blasterfire and looked up just in time to see Ahsoka fly over his head, looking completely and utterly _pissed off_. She was swinging her lightsaber like nobody's business, flinging away what she couldn't get. The troopers stood, totally dumbstruck, as the little commander took out the droid company single-handed.

"Holy fierfek..." He heard one trooper mutter over the comm. A few more agreed with him.

"Scary, isn't it?" Rex glanced over to his right. General Skywalker stood with his arms crossed, and a shit-eating grin plastered across his face.

"Yes sir..." He watched the slaughter for a few more minutes, wincing when Ahsoka slammed a super-battle droid repeatedly into a tank before chucking it at three others trying to flee. "Um, why is Commander Tano acting...like, well..."

"A bloodthirsty lunatic?"

"Yes, sir." He draped an arm around the stunned captain, snickering, watching the utter chaos before them.

"You see, Rex..."

The rule was added almost immediately after boarding the _Resolute_. Force help the moron who ignores it, Rex thought as he wrote.

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><p><strong>The squad in rule 2 is Bravo, and the sergeant is NOT Kal Skirata, by the way.<strong>

**Some might wonder why (in _this_ story, anyway) they know next to nothing about females. Sad truth is, outside of their commanding officers, they most likely would have never even met a female, let alone spend time in their company. Why bother teaching them something they never would have used anyway? **

**(Though I know several women and a few guys who wouldn't mind teaching a clone of their choice some, heh, _things_. One girl even went into detail. So...much...detail... *shudders*)**


	2. Rules 6-10

**Rules 6-10**

**6) Going back to rule 2. What did I say about the cake? Next one to get caught will be joining Fives and Omega squad scrubbing the place down with their toothbrush.**

Fives crept out of the quarters he shared with nine other brothers, and slunk off down the corridor. He peeked around the corner, before dashing to his left to a door at the end. When he walked in, the occupants looked up quickly, all four pointing their deeces at him.

"Whoa, easy. It's Fives." One by one the weapons were lowered. "Sorry. Should've knocked."

"Ya think?" Atin said. Fi shoved his shoulder playfully.

"Ah, leave him alone. So, do you want to eat some uj or not?" Fives nodded enthusiastically.

"Dar, you have it?" Atin asked. Darman nodded, reaching under his bunk and pulled out a package. A very large one. Fives's mouth watered.

Everyone watched as Darman unwrapped the cake, all on the edge of their seats. It's been a standard month since the rule was posted, and it was killing them. Nobody really cared how he had gotten it aboard, not even Niner. That should give anyone an idea on how much they loved the stuff.

Just as he was getting ready to start cutting it up, the door opened. Fi got to his deece first and fired, barely missing the person standing there. Everyone's heart stopped.

Captain Rex was not amused.

After a dressing down lasting three hours, all five were made to scrub the ship, top to bottom, with their own toothbrush. Rex supervised. He enjoyed the cake, too.

**7) No pestering the Alpha ARCs. I don't think I need to elaborate. Everyone should know they're borderline insane...**

Alpha-28-"Tako"-twitched as the shiny kept running his mouth. He wasn't mouthing off. Oh, no. He just would not. Shut. _Up._ It was getting on his nerves.

"Whoa! Did you see that droid go flying? Who do you think did that? How much explosives do you think-" The kid was talking a damn blue streak. Oh, if he had a gag right now...

Behind him, a brother, a regular trooper, snickered. He twitched again. _If someone doesn't shut him up now, I will not be held responsible for what happens after. _He's actually considering knocking the kid out. Would it be worth brig time?

"Why aren't you answering my question? Hey, hey, hey-"

Yes.

"SHUT THE FEK UP!" He turned around and belted the kid. He dropped, looking very much surprised. Tako walked away, swearing violently. The other two looked at each other.

"I can't believe you actually did it." The shiny stood up, holding his jaw.

"Hey, it was worth getting ten extra pieces of eddermelon." His brother just rolled his eyes.

**8) Shinnies (and Commander Wolffe), leave General Skywalker's droids alone. I know the gold one's annoying, but he gets the job done. Usually. Plus, the little astrodroid will shock the piss out of you, and I don't want to hear you whine. You have been warned**.

"The gold droid's at it again," a shiny muttered over the comlink. The other troopers snickered. "Somebody help me. He won't stop."

The poor shiny had the dreaded task of assisting General Skywalker's droids. He had no idea why; they've been on the ship before and should know their way around. Someone said it was to prevent one of the commanders from destroying the rather talkative translator droid. He had wondered what had happened to make him hate the thing so much.

Now, he was pretty sure he knew. The poor man tried to resist banging his head off the wall as the droid prattled on about...something. He had stopped listening a while ago. The astrodroid rolled beside them, completely silent, which was unusual for it. He had seen the two talking to each other before, the gold one becoming very irritated at what the smaller had to say.

Oh, the irony.

"Will you please stop talking?! My ears can't take it anymore!" Well, stang. He hadn't meant to say that. It worked, at least. The droid shut up. For a minute.

"Good gracious. I'm terribly sorry. Does my talking annoy you, trooper?" It was times like these that he was grateful for his helmet. He turned off the audio for a moment, screamed in frustration, then turned it back on.

"No. It's fine." Five minutes later, he attempted what everyone thought Commander Wolffe would. Luckily for Threepio, Artoo was there to rescue him. That shiny now has a lovely new scar, and nickname: Shockdrop.

**9) I know many of you enjoy bolo-ball. But please, keep it civil. Kix is tired of having to bandage people over fights after the game, and frankly, I'm tired of listening to him moan and groan.**

Kix took a deep breath, then exhaled slowly through his nose, trying to reign in his temper. The temper he had developed from working on troopers being complete _di'kute _when they aren't fighting. Droids, that is.

"What happened _this_ time?" Four troopers stood in front of him, holding each other up. They each looked pretty battered. All had a sheepish look, their eyes wary. From their looks alone he just _knew_.

"Bolo-ball." Yep._ Di'kute_. Kix's hand twitched, trying to resist the urge to strangle all four of them. So far, so good. Instead, he pointed to a spot in the tent.

"Sit." They sat. He then began swearing fluently in three different languages. They cowered.

An hour later, all four trooped out, bandaged, but with at least one bruise that did not come from the fight.

"I though docs don't hit their patients." One said, rubbing his head.

"Kix is a battlefield medic. There's a difference. You're lucky he didn't break out the rusty scalpel." The trooper stopped.

"R-rusty scalpel?" The other trooper just cackled, limping to the mess tent.

**10) Bringing an animal onboard and claiming "It followed me home" will result in said animal being returned and the offender on latrine duty for a standard month. This place is already a circus. We don't need to add actual animals to the act**.

**10b) And yes, children count, too.**

"Teej, what's that?" Said trooper looked up, a dark brown, squirming bundle in his arms. It had four legs, a short snout, and two tails. Currently, its tongue was lolling out of its mouth, tails whipping through the air.

"I don't know. But it's cute, right? You think I'll be able to keep it?"

"Doubtful. But you can always ask, I guess." Teej shook his head.

"Nah. I'll wait 'til we dock. The captain can't say no then, right?" His brother let out an exasperated sigh.

"Whatever." Both boarded the larty, everyone staring at the animal. A few actually asked to pet or hold it. Teej held it close to him, not wanting to hand it around in case it tried to bite. He'd never be able to keep it then.

When the larty landed in, Teej hopped out first. The animal looked around, panting, its tails little whirlwinds. It made a little yipping noise, drawing a few stares.

"Teej. What is that?" He whirls around. Captain Rex is standing a few paces away, the commander beside him. She makes a little squeal and runs to him.

"It's so cute! Whatever it is." She began to pet it. It didn't seem to mind. Its eyes closed and the tails whipped even faster, if that was possible.

"How did it get on the ship?"

"Um...it followed me home?" Teej had the decency to blush. The brother who talked to him earlier shook his head. He did try to tell him, after all.

"Take it back."

"But-" Rex gave him the look. "Yes, sir."

A Few Days Later

Rex stared at the youngling, who blinked back, safe in the arms of a trooper. Said trooper had a goofy grin that threatened to split his face. Rex could only sigh.

"Not again..."

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><p><em>Di'kute<em> is basically calling someone a moron or idiot. And Alpha 28's name isn't "Taco." It's pronounced "Tay-koh." Just letting you know. Also, the clones' and Ahsoka's epilogues will be here. I don't know if I should take down the other two on the List; the story was supposed to be just about the clones and their misadventures. The Jedi (and Sith) just wormed their way in.

**EDIT:** Changed the shiny's name from "Shock Jock" to "Shockdrop." Was debating between that and Dropshock. Which sounds better?


End file.
